I’m a smart guy. And that’s not really to toot my own horn. It’s just to say that, in school, I could go pretty far on just brain power alone. However, what made me really smart is that I knew I couldn’t just rely on my brain or my memory or my ability to think on my feet. In school I was a hard worker. I truly was. I was the one asking questions when I didn’t understand. I was the one staying up late at night studying and trying to ingest the last bit of information I could before every test. I’m sure there’s some deep rooted psychological reason for this. But, when it comes down to it, I think those who knew me in high school would probably tell you that I took my schooling pretty seriously…I was disciplined about it.
This discipline carried over into college, where I realized just how easy high school had been, and then into seminary, where I realized just how easy college had been. Each stage got progressively harder with, I found, a whole lot more reading.
I did well in school. But it was only because I worked hard. My smarts (and my dashing good looks and quick wit and wonderful sense of humor) could only get me so far. I was a pretty disciplined student. And, as I look back, I realize that the diplomas that would be hanging on my wall if I actually cared to put them up would be a testimony to, not how smart I am, but how disciplined I was. I worked hard.
Writing this blog does not come easy for me. My wife and family might assume it comes easier than it does. Just pull a quote from here. Find a funny picture there. Share a personal story. And, there you have it, a BLOG. But it’s harder than that.
I’ve put up over 200 post in close to three months. In my head, I was putting up more than one post a day so that I could make up for those days (or weeks) that I assumed would be dry spells just around the corner. You see, I’ve tried blogs before. I’ve never gotten more than about 20 posts before I came to the inevitable conclusion that I had nothing to say…either to anyone who might be reading it, or to God, or to myself by way of personal reflection. And, after a couple of months, one could say, perhaps, that I have nothing to say here. I don’t know. If you’ve gotten this far maybe you think otherwise.
Perhaps I’m trying to find my voice.
Perhaps this is my online journal.
Perhaps I’m seeking feedback or pats on the back.
Perhaps I’m trying to let friends and family in on who I am as pastor and father and husband.
Perhaps, even though I think I’m pretty honest in a worship setting, I wanted to have a place to be a little more honest (recognizing that I will never be totally honest in a place such as this…that is entirely public).
And yet, for whatever reason, I keep writing…even when it’s not convenient. I’m curious what this might look like after a year…with maybe 600 posts under my belt. How much of it will be me? What are the issues about which I will have dealt? What are the things that are important to me? How many people will have responded with words of their own?
Right now I’m disciplined in my writing.
I wonder if I’ll be able to say the same in a year.
I wonder what other areas I should be AT LEAST as disciplined as this. I’m scared to ask.